common people
pinupartist
I just had the worse feeling I may have ever experienced. That at this moment, this tiny particle of time, there isn't a single person in the whole of the human race that is thinking of me. That my life is meaningless and if I stop existing there isn't anyone that would notice.

(no subject)
pinupartist
I can see why every woman I have ever loved stops loving me. I have nothing to offer anyone else. I'm a 36 year old failed artist. I don't have any savings. I don't have a house anymore and will likely never be able to afford one again. I can't provide the life it would take to make someone else happy. I can hardly even buy food for myself.
I try so hard to make them happy with the only thing I have to give, my love but it has been proven to me time and again that it is clearly a fairly worthless commodity....

(no subject)
pinupartist
Do other people find happiness somehow?
Every time I think that I have found lasting happiness it slips through my fingers. I walked around Hawthorn blvd. the other day by myself and saw so many people that looked happy. Is there some secret that I can not decrypt that these others have found. And what is worse and worries me is that the more I see others experience joy, the more I wish them harm. I don't like these feeling yet I can't keep them out of my mind. I saw a very happy looking couple kissing on the street corner and I had to fight the urge to pull them into traffic. I hear about someone having some great stroke of luck and I wish them dead.
I have stopped trusting thoughts of hope and love.
Trying to keep hope in my head that things work will out, like everyone keeps telling me will happen, has just broken my heart.

(no subject)
pinupartist
The psychology of facebook baffles me sometimes. If you make a status up date about these amazing biscotti you had at coffee, people will cum down both legs about it and give comment after comment.
This is something I simple cannot wrap my mind around.
If you were to try to reach out for real human contact or understanding, you will be either ridiculed for being a downer or worse, simply ignored. Now I understand that no one wants to be around someone who’s life is depressing but sometimes we need to have someone commiserate or try to lift our spirits. This is a hard but valuable life lesson that I have only recently begun to learn.

(no subject)
pinupartist
how long do you bail water when you know the boat is going to sink anyway?

(no subject)
pinupartist
Sometimes in life I am stricken with such melancholy I wish I could express it. Sometimes someone has done it for me...

I KNOW IT'S OVER
Artist: The Smiths


Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
And as I climb into an empty bed
Oh well. Enough said.
I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Oh ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
See, the sea wants to take me
The knife wants to slit me
Do you think you can help me ?
Sad veiled bride, please be happy
Handsome groom, give her room
Loud, loutish lover, treat her kindly
(Though she needs you
More than she loves you)
And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la ...
I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over, over
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can even feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head
Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my ...

A painful memory...
pinupartist
Like a fool I was going through old e-mails and came across a very sad and painful message. I don't know why I was compelled to reread something that has made my life hell for several months now but I did anyway. Suddenly every emotion and feeling of loss swelled up again and I was left feeling like the moment I first read it. Why do I do this to myself? Am I trying to torture myself for pursuing something that made me happy? I just can't answer these questions. God, do I wish I could!

Getting my head around things....
pinupartist
The other night I had a very beautiful dream about someone I miss. It was more like a half-remembrance then a dream because it seemed so real, as if I had just nodded off and was snapped into consciousness suddenly. Words appeared in my head at the moment I awoke…”Saying goodbye is the hardest thing in life to do because we are reminded of how wonderful it was to say hello….”
These words are haunting me like a specter. Why can’t I say goodbye? Maybe I don’t want to…

(no subject)
pinupartist
Sun may 3rd. 3:11 p.m.
Never did find a theater. Went to the Pike st. Market instead. Walked around and looked at things I didn’t have money to buy.
Got some chicken fried rice at a vendor and ate it on a bench on an outlook of the Puget Sound. Very pretty day out but only ate a little of the rice. I just couldn't finish the small portion even though my body was telling me I needed the nutrition. I wonder if I’m not supposes to have good things happen to me. It’s a thought that has plagued me my entire life. My friend Neva tells me there is happiness all around us, we just have to see it…I can’t seem to…
I stand by the rail of the outlook and smoke a cigarette. Below me about 50 feet down is a freeway off ramp. For an instant I daydream of throwing myself over the railing into the stream of on coming traffic.
A young couple in their 20’s stand to my right and kiss in the sun. I hate them and want to push them over the guardrail to their deaths. I don’t want to be reminded of being alone and somehow want to make these innocent by standards pay for me feeling so shitty.

Sun may 3rd. end of the weekend
Picked up my art at about 6:15 p.m. and was thanked by the festival organizer, an older woman named Allena. I met the woman in change of shipping and receiving for the event, a pretty blonde European woman by the name of Tatiana. She asked me to help with the packing of art for shipment back to their owners and I said yes even though I wanted to flee this horrid weekend and not look back. Work until 7:30 and then politely excused myself to drive home.
I ended up selling about $100 worth of items from the festival store and one painting.
Felt absolutely awful on the drive home. Wore my sunglasses until well after dark as for some stupid reason I didn’t want other drivers to see I have tears running down my face.
Listened to sad songs all the way home. I find it strange that song lyrics can take on totally different meaning depending on your mood.
Listened to ‘space age love song’ by A Flock of Seagulls on repeat for about an hour. The song has a special meaning to me now it lacked before.



I saw your eyes

And you made me smile

For a little while

I was falling in love



I saw your eyes

And you touched my mind

Although it took a while

I was falling in love



I saw your eyes

And you made me cry

And for a little while

I was falling in love



I was falling in love

(no subject)
pinupartist
Sun may 3rd. 11:15 a.m.
Went back to the motel early on Sat. night. Didn’t stay for the whole evening, too painful.
Day 3 of the festival and I wish I could just get my stuff and go home but I have to stay until the event is over at 4:00p.m.
Not going to sell anything more at this point.
It’s sunny out but still a little bit cold.
The air around the fountain under the space needle smells of popcorn and cotton candy, two scents I normally love but today they turn my stomach. I just want to go home.
Not sure how I’m going to talk to my friends about this weekend. I will probably tell them it was great and that I had a wonderful time even though I didn’t.
Everyone wants to see pictures but I haven’t taken anymore. Seems kind of sad and pathetic to only have pictures of me standing by myself. Want to go to the movies but can’t find a theater with anything I would like to see.
It would be nice to get my mind off things for a little while….

Sun may 3rd. 11:42 a.m. There is a little caravel set up under the space needle. Happy people with their dogs and children enjoy the slightly sunny weather.
A pretty young woman with long sandy blonde hair and an expensive looking camera takes pictures of flowers and cute dogs.
For a moment she looks at me and I secretly wish she would ask to take my picture. But she doesn’t in favor of an older couple with a pug. It’s a small thing, totally unintentional on her part but it feels like someone stabbed me though the heart. I walk away to sit by my self on a bench if front of a merry-go-round with 1970’s style Japanese robots for cars.

Sun may 3rd. 12:08 p.m.
Feeling hungry but at the same time don’t really want to eat. I haven’t eaten very much this weekend. Partly do to money but also because it reminds me I don’t have anyone to share a meal with...I wonder how long I could go without eating?
When I feel depressed or stressed out I don’t eat. A few people have told me I’m getting too thin. I just don’t feel like eating much now.
I usually love food and bad food at that. But now I don’t find much joy in the food I once loved….

Sun may 3rd. 12: 20 p.m.
Choked down a small bag of popcorn, my staple meal for this weekend, and part of a can of soda. But ended up feeding half of it to the seagulls that crowd the grass by the fountain. I sit a good distance away from the multitude of people by the fountain, as I don’t want anyone to see I have tears in my eyes….

Sun may 3rd. 1:00 p.m.
Just found out from the festival people I can’t pick-up my art until after 6:00 p.m. which means I have to spend even more time by my self. Going to go try to find a movie theater again….

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