(no subject)
Sat may 2nd. 3:30 p.m.
Stared at myself in the mirror this morning at the hotel room for 30 minutes. I find it strangely ironic that I look better then I have in years but feel worse.

Sat may 2nd. 4:45 p.m.
Feeling weird. Only have myself to take pictures of. This makes me feel even more alone. Don’t think I’ll take any more photos as they only make me feel worse.

Sat may 2nd. 5:10 p.m.
Sun has come out a little. It’s been gray and rainy most of today which matches my mood.
There is a man in an all leather pirate outfit standing next to me.
I started out yesterday feeling so positive about this festival. Hope the day gets better. Might go for a walk and find a store to buy some cigarettes.
This feels like the longest day of my life. I so looked forward to this weekend and now all I want to do is go home.

Sat may 2nd. 5:40 p.m.
Talked to a few people outside and that was nice. Walked around a little. Got a raspberry tart at QFC and found a drugstore to buy smokes at. Still feel alone though. Wish I would sell my other painting so this weekend wasn’t a total loss.

(no subject)
I’m very lonely here. I see people with their companions at the festival and feel very isolated. I’m not every outgoing in an unfamiliar environment. Wish I could be like Chris or Jason whom can have a good time anywhere they find themselves.

(no subject)
Fri. may 1st. 12:45 a.m.
Met a girl named Ava from Australia. Really nice to talk to someone. She got left by her boyfriend 3 days before their wedding. She is very beautiful. Hope things work out for her. She seems a little bit crazy but nice all the same. Contemplating going back to my hotel room. 1:00 a.m. now. Not going to meet anyone else tonight.

Sat. may 2nd. 1:10 a.m.
Ava went off to talk to some body she knows. Alone again. Going to go back to hotel soon.
Sat. may 2nd. 3:00 p.m.
Day two of the art show. Found out I have only sold one print and a painting. Disappointed. Hoped I would sell more. It’s partly the money but mostly it would be proof-positive that somebody liked my work. I can’t stop thinking that I should be happy to sell anything at all but really I wanted to be recognized. I think I live too much in a fantasy world where everyone loves and adores me. This is not realistic and I know it but it’s something I have always dreamed myself into. A world where people light up when I enter a room.

(no subject)
Fri. may 1st. 11:30 p.m.

Feeling very lonely. I should be happy. Sold some art and a few prints but I’m not. No one to share this with.

A long sad weekend...
Friday may 1st.
Started for the Seattle erotic arts festival at 8:00 a.m. sharp. It was sunny and warm out and I enjoyed the drive. I sang to my ipod all the way there. I got to Kent, Washington, where my hotel room was about 10:40 and checked in. I showered and shaved and dressed for the festival. My kilt and a tight black t-shirt. Arriving promptly at 12:00 noon and gave the door person my ticket and proceeded into the exhibit hall under the space needle. I looked at all the art and found my 2 pieces. One piece sold and the festival had not even officially begun yet! I was so happy and then it dawned on me that I didn’t have anyone to share this moment with.
All week leading up to the festival I didn’t really think about this moment. As quickly as I was overcome with joy about sell one of my paintings, I was suddenly and horribly stricken with melancholy that I was totally alone in a city where I know no one.
I left the exhibit hall after about 45 minutes and walked to a food court in the Seattle center.
I needed to eat I told myself. Sitting alone in the commons area I ate half a hamburger and a few french-fries, no drink.
There weren’t that many people at the festival yet so I sat in the grass close to the fountain and slept in the grass for a little while. The sun felt good on my body. I don’t like being in the sun most of the time, too many years in the blazing sun of Wyoming summer, but now it felt really nice.
I hung around the center for about 2 hours and took some photos of myself. Wanted to document this event in my life for some reason. I don’t take many pictures even though I always have a digital camera on me now. Finally wandered back to the exhibit hall about 5:00 p.m. and looked around the festival store. Wished I had more money to buy a few things but I was trying not to spend too much money. The evenings events were to begin at 7:00 p.m. so I went to move my car from the 2 hour on street parking to a parking garage. Changed my clothes in my car. Got on my sharkskin green 1960’s suit. As the evening entertainment flashed across the stage in the middle of the hall I slowly became more and more lonesome being in this sea of flesh and fetish wear. Every half an hour or so I would walk outside to smoke but didn’t really speak to anyone.
What fallows are my journal entries made while at Seattle.

Saying goodbye....
I have had a profound loss this week. Although not the loss of a life, a loss that none the less feels as bad or worse. It was the loss of a friendship of a special and wonderful person.
I have a fair share of loss in my life, from the death of my father at age 3 to the loss of too many friends and loved ones do to old age, accident or poor life decisions.
These loss are somewhat more acceptable as they are a result of happenstance or chance to which I have little or no control over. But the ending of my friendship is something to which I am directly responsible for. A poor life decision on my and my friend's part. It has left a wound in me the length and breath of which feels like it will never heal and has so crushed my spirit I am no longer the same and don't think I ever will be the same again.
Part of me wants to kill off that part of my memory, erase the pain and sadness... tamp down the loss, suppress the anger and confusion. But another part knows that is not healthy and I need the confront the melancholy I'm feeling and for better or worse come out of this a wiser, if not happier person.
Most of my life I feel like, despirt my best efforts I ruin or disappoint everyone around me. The most crushing part of this mess is that I was just told the day before that I did so much right by this person. And it's something I wanted to do for them...as I do for everyone I care about. I love to help people. It make me feel better about myself and tempers the gnawing self-doubt I've felt my entire life.
Such is life. I will recover in some fashion, someday. Not today though. Today I will feel the pain and misery and loneliness...and bittersweet memories of something that I lost and can't get back.

Life marches on slowly. I'm not sure where it is taking me sometimes....

Seattle or bust!
I was recently invited to show my pin-up art at the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival and have been trying to focus on that instead of being heartbroken. I hope this will be a positive step for my art career and not a waste of my time as many of my past gallery shows have been. An artist ties so much of their self esteem to their work that when it is not acknowledged it is soul-crushing.
At only 4 days into this blog I realize I sound like a whiny bitch! Most of the time I try to be positive and up-beat but I'm not in a good place in my life right now.
The old saying about the grass being greener is positively true! I feel blessed that I have a talent for art but I wish with every fiber of my being that I could create music. I stand in awe of song writers whom have been far more capable at defining the human condition than I could be if I had a thousand years to compose one sentence.
Some of the lyrics that are swimming like sharks through my head right now are:
"You got a way of walking
You got a way of talking
And there's something about you
And now I know I never ever
Want to be without you"
From- HAUNTED by The Pogues

"Hey, you
you don't feel like mine anymore
this night I wrestle with pride on the floor"
From- My Sunken Treasure by The Duke Spirit

"I found a love I had lost
It was gone for too long
Hear no evil in all directions
Execution of bitterness
Message received loud and clear
Don't change for you
Don't change a thing for me"
From- Don't Change by INXS

Missing someone.
It's funny how attached we can get to another person. So much so that when you are unable to see or speak to them, whether they be friend or lover, the rest
of your life simply grinds to a halt. I'm experiencing that feeling right now. I have been trying to keep my mind off thinking about someone I love that I am unable to be with right now. The problem is that the harder I try not to think of them the more my heartaches that I CAN'T be with them. It's a temporary situation but it seems like everywhere I look, everything I see, reminds me of the fact I can't hold my dearly loved one. And my ipod is not helping the matter by diabolically choosing songs that remind me of this person. Curse you Apple i-products! I hope your inventor is struck by a train!
Someone else that is deserving of my wrath is the person that said "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I would punch you in the back of the head if I could right now!
Well I have been drawing to get my mind off things so here's something I finished today.

Sex from the 20's


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